Sober
by Ellypoo
Summary: Rufus, unsatisfied with Reno and Rude's performance during their missions, decides to make a new rule, believing it'll solve their problems: No alcohol 24 hours before, or during, missions. And their reactions... (Fixed mistakes; added lines)


**Disclaimer:** All characters are property of Squaresoft. "Sober" belongs to Tool and the companies affiliated with them. By the way, I'm not trying to insult Tool, or anything.. I love them! ... As well as Reno, of course. Reno's great, after all!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Sober**  


  
  
  
"...But WHY...?" Reno whimpered in the most dejected voice he could muster, hoping to receive some sympathy from the president of ShinRa. '_Hah. Unlikely_,' he thought. Still, it was always worth a try. He and his co-worker, also his best friend, Rude, stood before their President in the spacious office.  
  
"You heard me. You two are becoming sloppy, and I'm not referring to your attire," Rufus replied from his desk, slightly motioning to Reno's rumpled blue suit. "To my knowledge, it's because of your heavy drinking."  
  
"But we've been boozing ever since we were hired!" Reno's previously dejected voice rose to a pathetic whine. Sure, he was a tough guy in a fight, but... to have his hobby of drinking all night slip from his grasp? No. That would be his reason to live going down the drain.  
  
"Maybe so, Reno. However, it was never to an excess."  
  
'_Heh, heh... If only you knew, Rufie-boy. If only you knew..._', Rude thought to himself as his mouth twisted into a small grin and he nodded slightly to accentuate his amusement.  
  
"Uh..." Rufus eyed the bald man suspiciously for a moment. "Let me rephrase that. In the past, you never drank enough to _hinder_ your train of thought and actions significantly." He then smirked self-assuredly to himself and looked back at Rude. '_Now, let's see what he has to say to *that*..._'  
  
.. And, to no one's surprise, the bald man _did_ have something to say (even if it was only in his own mind and no one but the tiny voices in his head, if they would even quit taunting and convincing him that he had a full head of hair, could hear...); his grin had grown considerably larger as he stood before the blond man, smiling like an idiot. Obviously, thoughts of past chaotic bar visits were running through his mind.  
  
Thoroughly irritated, Rufus looked back to Reno, who, in turn, was pouting for his alcohol as a baby would for candy.  
  
"Rufus, you've gotta admit that we did a pretty damn good job with the disposal of Corneo at Wutai...! Especially considering that we were on vacation at the time!" Reno plastered a sly grin on his face, having convinced himself that his argument would actually bring him and Rude praise.  
  
"Hm... Yes, I suppose. Hearing of that whoremonger's death _did_ bring me a split-second of amusement, especially after finding that you killed that unarmed, hilariously obese man _after_ Avalanche disposed of his summoned demon. I must say, bravo." Not noting the heavy sarcasm in the President's voice, Reno just grinned like a moron, as Rude was... also grinning like a moron, thinking of the time Reno had plastered himself with twenty-something-- neither could remember; both of them were already confused enough when they awoke in the morning to find themselves in dumpsters with their underwear on their heads-- shots and gaily pranced around a full bar, claiming to be a faerie... "... But then there's the fact that you WEREN'T ON VACATION AT THE TIME. Your mission WAS to kill Corneo, FOOLS!"  
  
"Wh, wha...?" Reno stuttered and blinked, extremely confused. "But we went to the bar right away... We thought it was just a fun little trip... Hey, Elena even thought so!"  
  
"MORON! You probably waltzed into Wutai ready to do your jobs, but shoved all thoughts of the mission out of your minds once you saw the bar!"  
  
"Heh, heh... True, true..." Rude mumbled, finally returning his attention to the conversation... which resulted in an elbow to his ribs. "... Ow, hey..."  
  
"Dammit, Rude, SHUT UP," Reno hissed.  
  
"... And then there's the fact that Elena didn't know it was a mission because it was part of her TRAINING to see if she'd actually do anything on 'vacation' with the knowledge that Corneo was to be assassinated... And YOU were her instructors, but it's funny how she still managed to get captured..."  
  
"Hah... Heh, heh, yeah..." Reno laughed, idly scratching the back of his head as Rude chuckled in the background.  
  
"..." Rufus, finally unable to withstand the idiocy of his employees, stood and slammed his palms onto the surface of his desk-- hard. "No, it's NOT funny! The rule stays; no alcohol twenty-four hours BEFORE or DURING missions. Now this discussion os OVER." At that, he calmly sat back down and continued the paperwork he'd been filling out before he'd been disturbed by the two Turks, who were still grumbling in his office.  
  
"Um... Rufus, we can explain..." Reno pined, hoping to continue the conversation.  
  
Silence.  
  
"I mean, if you'd let us redeem ourselves..." Rude added weakly, attempting to assist his friend.  
  
Only the rustling of papers could be heard.  
  
Reno, never satisfied until he got his way, whispered a 'bright idea' that was supposed to get Rufus' attention into his buddy's ear...  
  
... And then broke out into a song (with his voice incredibly out of tune, not to mention...).  
  
  
  
  
  


(Sung to the tune of "Sober," by Tool)  
  
**Reno**  
The ShinRa prez is watching me,  
Watching every drink I take.  
Telling me to train the rookie,  
Ruining vacations for me.  
  
**Rude**  
Telling me to stop my boozing  
When it's time to do my duty,  
Thinking my work will be sloppy  
Though I fight much better stoned.  
  
**Reno & Rude**  
Rufus, won't you just go shove it;  
Let us drink our alcohol! ( x2 )  
  
Why can't we not be sober?  
We can handle hangovers.  
Why can't we drink forever?  
We're used to the hangovers.  
  
**Reno**  
I'm a drunken nightstick user.  
  
**Rude**  
I'm a drunken wax consumer.  
  
**Rufus**  
I am represented by you;  
Drunks don't scare the populace.  
  
**Reno**  
I do know my drinking limit-  
Fifty shots and I'm out cold.  
  
**Rude**  
I deserve a break from working-  
I'd get plastered in Wutai.  
  
**Reno & Rude**  
Rufus, won't you loosen up?  
See how great bars really are. ( x2 )  
  
Why can't we not be sober?  
We can handle hangovers.  
Prez, want to drink together?  
You'll get used to hangovers.  
  
**Reno**  
I'm a drunken nightstick user.  
  
**Rude**  
I'm a drunken wax consumer.  
  
**Rufus**  
I'm still represented by you.  
Drunks don't scare the populace.  
  
**Reno**  
I do know my drinking limit-  
Fifty shots and I'm out cold.  
  
**Reno & Rude**  
Trust us. ( x5 )  
  
Why can't we not be sober?  
We can handle hangovers.  
Why can't we drink forever?  
We're used to the hangovers.  
  
We want alcohol... ( x4 )  


  
  
  
  
Rufus only gazed, seemingly bored, at the two singing Turks with a gleam of anger in his eyes and annoyance manifest on his face.  
  
"... We want... alcohol," they were finishing.  
  
"... And do you WANT to keep your jobs!? If so, it'd be in your best interest to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE RIGHT THIS INSTANT," Rufus roared, angry enough to have tossed the Turks out of his office himself.  
  
With small squeaks of protest, the two others scurried out. They knew when they had crossed the line.  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *  


  
  
  
  
  
After reaching a safe distance from their president, the two depressed Turks trudged warily along the road.  
  
"Damn... That didn't work out at all," Reno groaned, his hands buried in his pockets and shoulders hunched. "Rufus is going to give me nightmares tonight. Shit! Right when we've got a mission tomorrow, too..."  
  
"Well, we could always get plastered at the nearest bar. That usually knocks you out within a couple hours," Rude suggested.  
  
The red-head immediately brightened up at this thought and he enthusiastically smacked his friend on the back. "RIGHT! Dammit, Rude, you come up with the greatest ideas! C'MON!" He took a hold of the bald man's arm and the two hurried off to the nearest alcohol dealer...  
  
  
  


Apparently, old habits are hard to break.  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Author's Note:** Originally, this was just supposed to be the song itself, but, well... Obviously, stupid ideas just love infesting my mind! ... Oh, well.. Hope you enjoyed, and please, please spare a moment to review...  
  
  



End file.
